A Quick Word…

I’ve been blogging about my SL times since the end of 2007. As I post rather eclectively on both D/s and Second Life in general, I’ve now split my blog up . Here you will find postings on my interests in D/s relationships.  My modemworld blog deals with my broader interests in SL and virtual environments, while the i-Squared blog contains information about i-Squared Designs. I hope you enjoy reading them, and that you’ll leave any comments that come to mind!

Finding Space

A lot of column inches within D/s and BDSM websites are given over to the subject of “subspace” (or “sub-space” or even simply sub space”).

Subspace is generally regarded as a moderate to deep , almost trace-like, condition experienced by a submissive during intense or erotic interaction with their Dominant. It exposes the sub to a range of emotions, responses and feelings that can in turn trigger a heightened response to the Dominant’s manipulations, and equally leave the submissive emotionally and psychologically vulnerable and at risk and which requires careful and objective monitoring by the Dominant throughout the scene to make sure the submissive does place themselves in danger, and through considered after care that eases the submissive back to a rational state of mind.

Clinically, sub space can be defined as a sympathetic nervous system response to the intense pain / pleasure experienced during a scene, which causes a release of epinephrine, endorphins and enkephalins, which have a morphine-like effect on the metabolism, which increases the pain tolerance of the submissive while enducing the trance-like condition referred to above. This is often expressed by submissives as an almost out-of-body experience in which they feel as if they are detached from reality, observing what is happening to them, rather than participating. Many submissives reaching the deeper levels of subspace can lose all sensation of pain, as any stimulus causes this trance-like detachment to be prolonged. Hence the need for both care and attention on the part of the Dominant should a submissive enter this state, as it is only the Dominant who can keep the submissive from experiencing harm.

As the submissive “returns” from this state – as the scene concludes, for example -  the parasympathetic nervous system responds, and the submissive can experience exhaustion, incoherence and feelings of emotional emptiness, all of which need to be dealt with through care, emotional support and – at it most basic – simple human contact through cuddles and caresses. In some cases coming out of sub space can trigger feelings of shame, self loathing or disgust within the submissive, and these to need to be identified by the Dominant and dealt with in sincere care to avoid the submissive Dropping.

Subspace is most usually associated with rl D/s and BDSM – where physical, visual, mental, aural and even olfactory stimuli combine most effectively to trigger the glandular releases that carry the submissive into subspace. However, Second Life, thanks to its rich visual medium, can also lead to a submissive enter subspace – particularly when the submissive’s frame of mind is properly stimulated by the Dominant. As such, an awareness of the subspace condition is something every responsible Dominant in SL should carry with them.

One thing that should be understood is that subspace exists on many levels; precisely how many and what they are called tends to vary according to the expert addressing the issue. If we were to look at things rationally, one might define the initial levels of subspace in the following ways:

• Top (or normal) space: This is the space that, I think it fair to say, gets most overlooked in Second Life. Put simply, top space is the “mundane” or everyday living mode for the submissive: getting up, going about the requirements of daily life, seeing to family needs, gawking at the television, and so on. I refer to it as the most “overlooked” in Second Life, simply because the decision-making processes involved in setting the needs of the day off to one side, powering-up a computer, starting and logging-in to Second Life tends to naturally move the SL submissive somewhat out of top space and more naturally into the next level down. Even so, top space still has an ability to impact our SL submissive lives, as simply turning on the computer cannot make it totally go away – not when there is a partner in the next room who might demand attention, or a pet running around that needs seeing to, or an unexpected telephone call that can shatter a mood, whether or not we opt to let the answerphone take it for us.
• Marginally down space: in rl, this tends to be when the Dominant in a relationship directs attention on the submissive. This tends to be through the use of a recognised trigger – a glance, a touch, a sound – or a combination of such factors. The result is to drop the submissive out of top space and into a condition of listening and anticipation. In some relationships, the change in the submissive is very physical, if subtle: they stop talking or moving; their attention becomes focused on the Dominant, waiting to see if further signals are forthcoming. If they are, the submissive generally slips further into subspace; if nothing further is forthcoming, or if the Dominant deliberately eases back from directing attention on the submissive, the submissive generally returns to top space. This “marginally down” space is frequently the condition many submissives are in when they log in to Second Life: they are focused on their Dominant, attuned to the verbal / written cues (chat or emote) that the Dominant may give that can carry the submissive deeper into subspace.

Beyond this, things get more complicated. How far “down” a submissive goes into subspace is dependent upon a variety of factors – not the least of which is the skill of the Dominant in understanding the submissive’s needs, and in manipulating and feeding the submissive’s desires, fantasies, wants, and even the submissive’s fears; how well the submissive trusts and relates to the Dominant. Environment, setting and external stimuli such as sounds, music, scents, etc., also can play a significant part in carrying a submissive deeper into subspace.Many submissives aren’t actually aware that they are “in” subspace but rather only realise what has happened after the fact.

What does tend to happen as the submissive slips more deeply into subspace is that their IQ tends to diminish progressively; they feel their mental processes slowing down, the ability to process and understand what is happening to them become blurred; rational thought becomes elusive, and so on. Ask a submissive how they are feeling when in this state, and their reply is liable to be “I dunno” or similar. And the truth is that they don’t: at its deepest, this state leaves the submissive utterly dependent upon the Dominant to ensure no harm is done to them. Because of this diminishing effect, many refer to this as the “blonde space”.

Another element that can denote the submissive is slipping into “blonde space” is the use of language itself – their words become more and more crude, they find greater delight and arousal in being talked to and about in crude terms. Vulgarities trigger reactions as much as touches.

A submissive slipping into the deepest levels of subspace many reach the level of the purely primal. In this condition, the submissive can become feral; words become grunts and snarls, they can show hypersensitivity to sound and light and movement. If not bound, the submissive in this state can become dangerous and will not stop short of scratching and biting – or worse.

There is one other aspect of subspace worth mentioning – although many in rl squirm when it is discussed, and many submissives will outright deny that it exists. This is “sammy space”, or what FRR Mallory calls “sprite space”; and I have to admit, it is actually a level of subspace I enjoy encountering in the right circumstances – and within an environment such as SL, it can be very beneficial for the Dominant.

In sammy space, which tends to exist somewhere between “marginally down” and “blonde space”, the submissive seems to become willful: clips may become undone, or the submissive will move from an assigned pose or will flirt or use cheeky retorts. Sometimes this reaction is borne of a need to test the Dominant to assess whether the Dominant is really paying attention; this is the negative aspect of sammy space, because if the Dominant is found wanting, it is taken as a sign that they do not “love” the submissive.

However, the kind of wilfulness that results from sammy space can be beneficial if the submissive is prepared to channel it properly. It can be used not to test the Dominant, but as a means of engaging in further play: by showing token resistance through playful interchange, the submissive is demonstrating both their trust in the Dominant (to not react utterly negatively to the play) and their willingness to be taken further into subspace. In turn, this kind of play can trigger the Dominant’s further progression into the oh-so-rarely talked about realm of Dominant space.

Throughout the subspace experience, the submissive needs constant attention – not just to heighten the submissive’s experience and responses while you are in scene, but also to ensure that the submissive is not / has not reached a point where they can no longer differentiate between safe and dangerous play or use a safeword to show distress. Thus, the Dominant has the responsibility to watch the submissive through the scene play and adapt and adjust their own actions accordingly.

How far a submissive can descend into subspace within an environment such at Second Life is open to debate; my personal view is that the medium itself means that the majority of submissives tend to operate in the “marginally down” through to “blonde space”. I would venture to suggest that the deeper levels of subspace leading to the primal tend to require control, environment and stimuli that are beyond the means of Second Life to enable – but this is only my opinion.

Certainly, as a Dominant in SL, I can openly admit that I’m not aware of taking a submissive much beyond the “blonde level” of subspace; this may be through a lack of technique on my part – and I have to admit that until Second Life becomes truly immersive and allows us to replicate touch, scents, sounds, etc., as they can be used in rl, I doubt I’ll be anywhere near as effective as a Dominant as (I hope) I am in rl.

That said, just because the deeper levels of subspace may not be reachable within the artificial confines of SL does not mean that a few basic precepts common to dealing with submissives in rl cannot be applied equally to SL. Indeed, I would go so far as to say they have equal meaning is SL as they do in rl:

• Never leave a submissive alone in subspace without warning or for extended periods, and never abruptly end a scene in which you know the submissive is in subspace  – however marginal – without taking time to help them recover to top space. This doesn’t have to be complicated: showing care through words, emotes and even the use of simple cuddle props, can help the submissive recover and give them visual cues to your care and love for them
• Never impose responsibility on the submissive for any aspect of the play or for their descent into subspace. If you want interaction, keep the play to marginal space or sammy space. Go too deep into blonde space and the play can become too one-side as the submissive has moved to a state of mind where the ability to clearly communicate is lost.
• Always leave time for recovery after a scene, even if you believe the submissive has barely dipped into subspace. The experience for the submissive doesn’t have to be earth-shattering, mind blowing or any other hyperbole in order for it to have an impact – and nothing builds trust and commitment more than a sincere demonstration of love and support when helping a submissive return to top space.

There is another side of this concept of space as well – one that, frankly, barely merits mention when compared to all that is written about subspace – which is a shame, as it is equally important to the yin/yang of balanced D/s relationships.

I’m of course referring to Dominant Space.

Dominant space in some ways mirrors subspace, although its practical outworkings are somewhat different. Rather than entering a trance-like state, a Dominant in Dominant space tends to experience heightened awareness; they’ll experience a steady upswing of energy and desire as they sink deeper into Dominant space, and become more attuned to the submissive under their control.

Like subspace, Dominant space exists on a number of levels.

At the top, as one might expect, is top  – or normal – space. The Dominant in this space will function perfectly normally, dealing with the slings and arrows of mundane life. It is entirely equitable with the kind of top space experienced by submissives.

Beneath this is what I refer to as “alert space”. The Dominant moves into this space when something happens to shift them away from everyday needs to focus on their submissive. This shift may be triggered by something within the Dominant – a change of clothes, looking at a picture, etc; or it may be an external stimuli – a scent, a sound, a comment; it may even come from the submissive in the form of a touch, an expression, a look – something that alerts the Dominant to the submissive’s desire to feel their control. Whatever the trigger, the Dominant will maintain an awareness of everything else around them, but their focus will clearly be on their submissive. If nothing further occurs, the Dominant will generally return to top space. Thus, this “alert space” can be equated with a submissive’s “marginally down” space.

If the stimuli that triggered the Dominant into alert space continues, then the Dominant will move beyond “alert” to a space where their Dominant nature comes more to the fore. Such stimuli can be as simple as the submissive’s move from top space to marginally down space (itself perhaps the result of the Dominant’s focused attention, thus giving rise to an entirely natural feedback between the two), or could be the continued influence of outside factors.  As the Dominant moves into this space, they feel an upswing in energy; perceptions alter, adrenaline flow will increase and they’ll feel a heightened desire and sensitivity that can trigger a scene.

Once a scene has been initiated, the Dominant may experience a sensation of alert mental detachment; a separation of their emotional responses to everything around them. Some may experience a sense of energy flow from the submissive to themselves; some Dominants have even stated that as they move deeper into this space, they have a distinct feeling of being “inside” their submissive: they experience the scene from the submissive’s perspective and may even “hear” the mind of the submissive.

There is a strong feedback loop established as the Dominant moves into, and through this space, which occupies the span between the submissives “sammy space” and “blonde space”. Indeed, in secure relationships, the playful use of sammy space on the part of the submissive can  – where appropriate – encourage the Dominant to move into this space. It can help start and/or progress the scene beyond its initial opening, and trigger heightened responses and excitement in the Dominant.

As the Dominant moves deeper into this space, so to their excitement accelerates, and their responses become more sharply focused on the submissive and the scene itself. The emotional detachment experienced as the scene is initiated beyond the playful enables the Dominant to both take actions with their submissive in ways they might find difficult when in top space, but which also enables the Dominant to remain aware of the submissive’s own state of mind and attuned to keeping the play on the safe side of any red line.

With the feedback loop healthily established, the further “down” the submissive goes in scene, the higher up the Dominant tends to go; the submissive’s responses to the Dominant’s actions trigger and re-trigger the Dominant. It can be a euphoric cycle for both, with energy flowing back and forth as the scene progresses. However, there is one important difference: part of the intensity the Dominant experiences is due to the need to maintain tight mental and physical control on the scene to ensure the submissive does not suffer harm. This control itself can build to a peak of release within the Dominant that is as intense and satisfying as the release experienced by the submissive.

As with a submissive coming out of subspace, so to does the Dominant returning from Dominant space require support and care. While the Dominant has not been as mentally exposed as the submissive, they have nevertheless carried a significant mental load and exhibited considerable mental (and physical in the case of rl) control. In doing so, they have removed themselves from reality, and thus need to be eased back into it as much as the submissive. Cuddle, care, attention and love in the form of sincere aftercare can be as vital for the Dominant as it can for the submissive.

There is one final space that some Dominants may reach – that of primal space. As with submissives, breaching this level may be rare, but it can be equally devastating. A Dominant reaching this space can become dangerous – especially if they are new to D/s. Their system can become flooded with chemicals that push them beyond the controlled detachment that is vital to a safe scene, and become completely detached from the welfare of the submissive in their care. Some Dominants reaching this point may discover levels of personal cruelty within them that are otherwise abhorrent to them. Any Dominant experiencing such total detachment within themselves and from their submissive should take steps to exit the scene as quickly as possible and bring both themselves and the submissive back to top space before permanent damage is done to the relationship.

Space – be it sub or Dominant  – exists in many forms both in rl and SL. While we may not experience all of them in our SL lives, we should all be aware of how they tend to manifest themselves, and we should all understand the need to deal with them responsibly.

Two Years

Two years ago, Inara Munro and I entered a new phase in our relationship in SL, when she accepted my Formal Collar in a ceremony on the 20th January 2008.

In a world where time can be so compressed, where a years’ worth of experiences can be compressed into a matter of weeks, two years – if I say so myself – is a long time. “That’s like thirty years!” is how one very valued friend once remarked on the occasion of her own recent partnering with her long-time companion (and we are still but novices compared to them: while they only married recently, they’ve been together over three years!).

It is true that in those 24 months, we’ve packed in an incredible range of emotions and experiences – both high and low. We’ve laughed together, we’ve cried together, we’ve both wanted nothing more than the demands of rl to leave us free to run to each other on an evening, and there have been times when either one of us come probably happily have throttled the other at one point or another.

In short, we’ve experienced much of everything that can go into relationship, and through it, we’ve built an ever-deepening bond of love, respect and trust.

Which is why, on the 23rd January 2010, we were both pleased to have a small group of friends join us at home to mark the second anniversary of that Collaring – and some 30 months of companionship and shared experiences in SL.

In organising the celebration, I wanted to keep things low-key and fun, the focus primarily on Ina herself and devoid of formal ceremony or reaffirmations that – given all that we have shared, and all that we’ve recently admitted to one another in private – would have been superfluous and dragged the evening down to the level of boring cliché.

So it was that we gathered with friends on our waterfront deck, to dance, chat and enjoy warm company. Ina was very much the focus for the first part of the evening , as I’d picked up a lovely rlv-enabled posing stand from our friend, Jaquline Jewell. This meant I could – at least in a small start – help Ina enjoy a fantasy of being objectified, as it allowed her to be placed in a variety of poses by others, while herself being unable to move.

Mid-way through the evening, I did give a brief little speech to re-state my commitment to Ina and to give her something I’ve known she’s mentioned to others as desiring  – a modified collar that, once worn, would “weld” itself into a locked condition.

All-in-all, and despite the demands of rl, everyone had a good time and we had the pleasure of sharing a special moment with friends and loved ones. My single regret is that I forgot to take any pictures until right at the every end of the evening!

Dropping

A D/s relationship is manifested through an exchange between those involved. Many assume this to be an exchange of power – and often wrongly assume this is what is meant by the term Total Power Exchange (TPE). While TPE can play a role  – an important role – in a D/s and/or BDSM relationship, it is not an absolute required of every such relationship. Thus, when talking about the overall dynamic of a D/s relationship, it is inaccurate to think of the exchange that takes place as purely an exchange of power; it’s not. More accurately, it is an exchange of energy between Dominant and submissive.

In this regard, D/s is no different from any other form of close relationship; either side engages with the other and there is a constant ebb and flow of energy between the two; sometimes it is stronger in one direction than the other – but it is far from one way, and hence is very different from the exchange of power, which is predominantly one way. Just as the submissive can “feed” off the energy of their Dominant – so can their responses to the Dominant’s exercise of control over them serve to energise and encourage the Dominant, on both the passive and active levels. Energy is freely – if subconsciously – exchanged.

But as with many other aspects of our lives, energy levels can rise and fall; we rarely run at the same highly energised pitch all the time.  As Dominants and submissives, we’re all subject to such swings in our energy levels, and there are times, when energy levels are very low, that we come to experience what is sometimes referred to as “Dominant drop” or “submissive drop” (the latter also sometimes called “sub rebound”). Both can be both upsetting to experience and / or witness, and either can result in the collapse of a relationship.

There are many reasons why our energy levels rise and fall: the everyday pressures of home and working life: concerns for loved ones with health issues, problems at work, stresses in other friendships / relationships, etc. We can drain ourselves of energy in a variety of ways as well: sitting up far too late to many nights in a row; simply trying too hard to do too much in a short space of time, and so on.

Within D/s there are added pressures that can bring about Dominant/submissive drop. For Dominants – ironically enough – one of the most common causes of Dom(me) Drop is the establishment of rigid rules and the perception of behaviour.

All too often within D/s online relationships particularly (and SL falls within this category), the relationship is defined by the establishment of rules, boundaries and instructions. The submissive is required (on the orders of the Dominant or because of preconceptions of role requirements, etc.), to adopt a certain form of behaviour, address, attitude and so on. They expect / are required to be differential, respectful and obedient and use honorifics such as “Master”, “Mistress”, “Sir”, “Miss”, etc., at ALL times. They may even be given a set of objectives or requirements that the Dominant feels are important for the establishment of the relationship and for setting boundaries around it. And to start with, all of this sounds wonderful and precisely what the submissive wants and the Dominant expects.

But, in the creation of such an artificial environment with its rules and requirements, the Dominant is constructing identical rules and boundaries on expression. This in turn can lead to both Dominant and submissive within a relationship becoming trapped in the performance of their assigned roles rather than in the exchange of evolving wants, hopes, desires and needs between two individuals committed to one another. Indeed, far from addressing such evolving needs, the relationship becomes an exercise in assumption of role regardless of person desire or feelings.

By requiring the submissive is submissive at all times, the Dominant is equally requiring that they are Dominant at all times. And as we all are human, this requirement does eventually become wearing – even a burden. The Dominant may become increasingly resentful of the fact that they cannot operate outside of a set of expectations, or they begin to feel stressed mentally and physically in having to dress themselves in the role of “Dominant”.

At the same time, the Dominant also feels guilty for having such feelings /reactions. After all, if the “relationship” is progressing along the proscribed lines, then it is not as if the submissive has done anything “wrong”; thus the stress within the Dominant is increased. Worry is further increased because the Dominant simply doesn’t know how to address with issues without potentially losing the respect of their submissive or the shattering of the “foundations” upon which the relationship was “built”.

Thus, the Dominant’s energy levels are sapped; they become increasingly withdrawn  – possibly constrained in the manner in which they address and / or interact with their submissive.  In extreme cases, the Dominant may start to actively avoid the submissive – not logging-on or altering usual log-in times to periods when it is known the submissive is rarely online (e.g. due to time zone differences) – and finding plausible excuses to justify either act.

They are, in short, experiencing Dominant drop.

Dom Drop can also be initiated unwittingly by the submissive. When a relationship is flowering, the submissive wants to experience everything they have imagined the relationship can bring. The implementation of rules and boundaries, etc., can subconsciously increase this desire exponentially with the belief that “at last” they have found “their” Dominant. They launch themselves into the relationship  – and at their Dominant – in full-on submissive mode and with all the accompanying regalia, ever-eager to trigger the Dominant response that feeds their needs; in short: their actions and activities are geared towards almost “forcing” the Dominant into Domming them.

Again, in the early days of a relationship there may not be anything “wrong” with such reactions. However, in anything but the most casual of relationships – wherein both sides understand that the relationship only extends as far as the role play or scene in hand, without deeper commitments – then this approach is simply not going to sustain the relationship, but it is going to eventually trigger Dominant drop.

Dominant Drop can be bewildering for the submissive; confronted with a sudden withdrawal and / or detachment seemingly without reason, they can react either in kind – such is human nature – or possibly over-react the other way: showering their Dominant with gifts and becoming overly solicitous. Some may even seek ways to become even “more” submissive in the mistaken belief that the mood swing is attributable to a “failure” on their part. All three reactions will, unfortunately, tend to put more pressure on the Dominant, who will interpret any reciprocated distance / resentment as a sign the submissive is holding them to account / considering moving away, while seeing gifts or attempts to be more submissive as demands for attention the Dominant feels unable to give at this point in time. In worse case scenarios, the relationship can breakdown altogether; this is particularly true where the submissive, as a result of their exposure to Dominant Drop plunges into Submissive Rebound (otherwise called submissive drop), and spirals downward into detachment, anxiety and depression with the state of their current relationship.

Submissive drop can be triggered by many complicated interactions. Like Dominant drop, a contributory factor can be constraints artificially imposed on the relationship due to an over-emphasis on roles, rules, boundaries and requirements that fail to address maturing and evolving needs within the relationship and both the Dominant and the submissive. In real life, some submissives find conflict within themselves that lead ot feelings of confusion and a sapping of energy that leads to sub drop; one such conflict is the inwards desire to submit compared to living an other wise strong, determining professional life; another might be due to the submissive having a strong religious or moral upbringing that manifests in a feeling that their desire to submit is wrong or sinful. Many submissives focus a high level of energy and attention on every nuance of the interaction between themselves and their Dominant; this can be especially true within online relationships, where the submissive can identify themselves so closely with their Dominant, they regard themselves as an extension of the Dominant’s presence, and are unwilling to partake in online activities unless and until their Dominant is present. When that presence is withdrawn the submissive can begin to manifest strong symptoms of withdrawal.

There is another aspect to submissive drop, however; one that frequently gets overlooked in favour of discussions of “sub space”.

An intense D/s scene can often expose the submissive emotionally; many submissives experience various levels of space or reality detachment when in the presence of their Dominant. This detachment acts to insulate the submissive from the acts or actions which they are engaged in during the scene itself. They enter what is called “sub space”, which is generally referred to as a euphoric or trance-like reaction to the involvement with their Dominant within a given scene or interaction. Much has been written as to the nature of subspace and the need for considered aftercare to help the submissive “back” or “down” from this state of mind, post-scene.

However, there is a flipside to this.  As the blood chemistries produced during scene fade the physical and the emotional high experienced within sub-space plunges, the mental and emotional freedoms experienced in-scene vanish. This can trigger conflicting feelings within the submissive as they try to reconcile the “illicit” nature of the experience with the more socially acceptable vanilla world that they must return to when they leave the comfort of their computer screen. In short, the sub teeters on the edge of sub drop, and can topple over if the Dominant isn’t properly tuned to their situation.

The risk is further complicated if the scene has stretched the submissive’s limits, or moved them somewhat (albeit with consent) beyond their accepted comfort zone. In these instances – and despite the submissive having given consent and engaged willingly in such a scene – it is not unusual for the submissive, in the post-scene descent from sub space, to feel resentment towards their Dominant for having “pushed” them so far. Should the scene have unwittingly touched upon feelings  / memories / activities that were frightening or mindful of unfortunate real life experiences outside the confines of D/s, the submissive may even feel anger towards their Dominant. Again, if this is not identified and dealt with properly, then the sub can, on exiting sub space, again plunge into sub drop, the entire scene rebounding into feelings of betrayal, confusion, vulnerability and upset that distances the submissive from their Dominant.

There is no catch-all means of dealing with either sub drop or Dominant drop. Each case is unique to those involved on both sides of the matter. Certainly, recognising the signs of drop occurring both in oneself and in one’s Dominant / submissive and having the freedom to communicate with one another as lovers / friends / partners is perhaps the most positive way to deal with drop on either side.

Being involved with the right person obviously helps – hence the importance in understanding both your own needs and desires and having an awareness of the people with whom you are interacting – be they “light”, “medium” or “heavy” Dominants / submissives; especially when you are forming the relationship.

One of the most positive ways of helping minimise the frequency with which drop may occur is not to get caught up in a myriad of rules and roles and boundaries to the exclusion of all else. Give the relationship some neutral space – space in which you can both operate as both individuals and as a couple outside of the “demands” of D/s and BDSM. Make space to enjoy other things. As humans we call need to laugh, and have fun; we love to do many different things: enjoy a kiss and cuddle; shop; dance, etc. Make sufficient room wherein you can both enjoy such things without any emphasis on “performing” specific roles or putting up any external appearances to justify yourselves as “Dominant” and “submissive” in the eyes of others.

Just because I’m a “Domina” in SL does not mean I have to be Dominant at all times. Were it so, many aspects of my personality would remain unaddressed and my entire SL experience would be reduced as a result. I need the ability to express other aspects of my personality in order to enjoy SL fully – and does my submissive. Creating the space wherein these other aspects of our personalities can exist helps us  grow as individuals, understand one another better and  – most importantly in this regard – frees us from many of the constraints that may otherwise lead to one or other or both of us experiencing drop.

A sensitivity to one another’s energy flow also does much to alleviate the pressures that can lead to drop. It is very easy for submissives to log on to SL in the expectation that they are going to be with their Dominant and therefore are going to be Dominated. If they’ve had a particularly crappy day, this anticipation may reach a point where it outweighs everything else – including the fact that the Dominant may also have had an unbelievably shitty day, and that far from donning the boots and gloves, simply wants to curl up with their submissive and chat.

In this regard, the submissive should consider that one of the priorities in their life is the act of recognising and alleviating any stresses their Dominant might be experiencing. They should learn to be patient and allow the natural ebb and flow of energy within the Dominant, blending with their Dominant’s life and sharing in the peaks of the Dominant’s energy and bolstering the lows in the Dominant with an ease of spirit and openness of heart and mind that reinforces the Dominant’s desire to be with them.

The Dominant in turn should learn to recognise the triggers within their own submissive that could lead to the submissive bottoming-out, particularly when in-scene or during a period of after care. These may be obvious (sudden cessation of participation in the scene; reduction of feedback to single-word statements, etc.) or they may be subtle (alterations in how the submissive expresses their feelings through emotes, chat and IM, for example). The Dominant should look to pre-guess when the submissive might be teetering on the edge of a drop, and take the appropriate action: easing back on the scene or even gently bringing it to a close.

Certainly, scenes that are liable to be very intense and / or which push the submissive beyond their recognised comfort zone should be entered into not only with care and attention for the scene itself, but also with the assurance that the Dominant will be available to provide after care. It is part of the Dominant’s responsibility to nurture and protect the emotional stability of their submissive. This isn’t going to happen if the Dominant is simply going to poof – however apparently valid the reason – within minutes (or even tens of minutes) of the scene ending. Doing so can trigger many negative reactions in the submissive, ranging from resentment towards the Dominant through to feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth within the submissive themselves (“If I were really a good submissive, s/he wouldn’t have left like that….”). The very best way to ease a submissive through such periods is simply to be there.

As with everything else, however, possibly the best way to deal with dropping is to foster an environment of open, honest communications in which both sides can express feelings, vulnerabilities, fears and whatever else as a couple and without fear of being judged or questioned in terms of an assigned “Dominant” or “submissive” role. The fair expression of such feelings does much to enable the flow of energy, removing the blocks and obstacles that otherwise hamper or totally impede any feelings of renewal and the ability to step out of the shadows created by the drop itself.

Switching 101

It’s almost exactly a year since I last wrote anything about Switching.  I didn’t actually intend to write any more; but following on from my last piece, a friend commented that she was surprised that I restricted my commentary to Dominants (with a passing acknowledgement to submissives) without mentioning anything at all about the Switch element.

Well, her comments took root and set my little mind cogitating over night and again this morning. My other article looked at Switching within SL from the perspective that it is “better tolerated” in SL than perhaps it is in rl – and certainly more so than it is in many other online communities. In examining this idea, I did look at some of the more common misconceptions relating to Switches evidenced in many places; but I didn’t really dwell on the nature of Switching itself. Given I’ve done so for both Domination and submission, I came to the conclusion it was about time I said a little more about this “third way” within D/s.

The Switch occupies a strange place in the D/s community; a place that blurs the line between Domination and submission. It is perhaps because of this that the role of the Switch is often maligned; people on either side of the line find the blurring, the idea that someone can weave a path between what might otherwise be considered clear-cut roles with a clearly defined boundary between them, discomfiting.

In some ways this is a rather ironic response to the Switch – because it is fair to say that within the D/s community, there is a large percentage of both Dominants and submissives who have themselves “crossed the line” from one side to the other – so one would expect the notion of someone who can embrace, to varying degrees, the roles of both Dominant and submissive and ebb and flow between the two, would be better understood.

Many segments of the online community can go even further – and simply refuse to accept any Switch can be a Dominant or submissive is the “truest” sense, but is rather “only” a Top or bottom. As such, the Switch is frequently regarded as a “lesser” member of the community, who is seen to bring weakness and confusion to the group when in reality, it is those harbouring such prejudices who are creating the confusion.

Another misconception that tends to crop up, is that the Switch is actually someone “unable” or “unwilling” to commit to a role as either Dominant or submissive. This is turn impacts those coming into the community as they can act in the mistaken belief that there is some “unwritten rule” that states a person must be either Dominant or submissive in order to truly “belong” to the community – and that failure to declare yourself one way or the other is a sign of weakness or of a lack of personal conviction about your place within D/s.

Because of the many misconceptions surrounding Switching – be they in rl or espoused in online communities – those entering D/s can find coming to terms with their nature as a Switch to be hard. In  trying to conform to the “norm” as either a Dominant or submissive, they fail to meet their more subtle needs, which in turn leads to further complications, unfulfilled desires and deep personal upset.

F.R.R Mallory – one of the foremost writers on the subject of D/s, and someone I’ve admired throughout my own D/s journey – suggests that Switches fall into one of three categories: the Dominant/Switch, the submissive/Switch and the split/Switch.

In the case of the first two, the individual primarily expresses their personality and desires in terms of the Dominant or submissive role, but can, when the occasion arises, switch their orientation to the opposite  – Dominant will become submissive, and vice versa.

It is fair to say that a Dominant/Switch or submissive/Switch can continue for months in their primary role, only needing or desiring to swap on occasion. The triggers that bring about the change can be many and varied. What is important throughout – as with anything else – is that when the urge to swap arises, it is communicated clearly and unthreateningly to those also involved with the Switch – and is as openly accepted.

The split/Switch is someone who does not favour either the Dominant or the submissive role over the other. The split/Switch thus tends to move more easily – generally more frequently – between the roles providing there is empathy within the relationship. Another difference is that while the Dominant/Switch and submissive/Switch can and do enter into relationships where their partner is not necessarily also Switch, it is fair to say the majority of split/Switches entering into a relationship in rl tend to do so more with other split/Switches than anyone else.

This is because the “neutrality” of the Dominant / submissive role means that either partner can Switch more easily, to the mutual pleasure of both. Indeed, it is fair to say that many such split/Switches don’t actually regard themselves as “Dominant” or “submissive”, but refer to themselves in the more “passive” terms of Top and bottom. Such relationships also tend towards more “mainstream” relationships in terms of equality and sharing, and their D/s and/or BDSM desires are often exclusively expressed in-scene, rather than as a full lifestyle approach.

For the Dominant/Switch / submissive/Switch, the move from one role to the other is not as simple as the split/Switch tends to find. Given both of these kinds of Switches live their D/s lives predominantly in their preferred primary role, a period of adjustment is often required as they transition from Dominant to submissive, or vice-versa. It gets worse if, for any reason, the desire to shift between roles is in any way denied or prevented – either by the Switch themselves, or by real or perceived external influences. This is particularly true where the Switch denies one side of their personality in order to “fit” into one of the more “acceptable” roles of Dominant or submissive due to the misconceptions mentioned above.

As with any other activity that engages the emotions, if a Switch represses one or other side of their nature, then the needs of that aspect of their personality remain unaddressed, which can lead to wholly negative results. These can range from a total loss of drive within the role the individual has adopted (so the Dominant becomes increasingly “less” Dominant, for example), or through the transferral of personal frustrations onto their partner and scene friends, even to bouts of loss of control, anger and destructive releases of energy.

Transitioning between roles smoothly not only takes time to learn, it also requires personal understanding – recognising the signs and / or desires as the need to transition grows – and also a high degree of emotional security and support from those with whom the Switch interacts: partner(s), close D/s friends; and the assurance that their needs will not be frowned upon, or reacted to negatively. Communication and honesty – the two watch-words that guard all aspects of D/s – are essential if the committed Switch is not to feel threatened  that their needs cannot be fully expressed – thus again locking them into a specific mode of behaviour that can be ultimately very damaging.

At the end of the day, there are no absolutes with regards to the roles we embrace within D/s. What we become – Dominant or submissive or Switch – is as much a product of our entire personality both within and without D/s, as it is our D/s-centric needs, hopes and wants – and the experiences we have when engaging and growing in the lifestyle. This is as true within SL as it is in rl.

Living as a Switch opens a person to both encountering the broadest possible range of experiences within D/s – and the broadest range of potential challenges. Those who choose this path should not be critqued or reviled; the should be accepted for who and what they are: as committed a member of the community as any Dominant or submissive – and someone as uniqued schooled as either.

 

On being a Dominant

“Dominant”, “Master”, “Mistress”; these are common enough terms heard throughout D/s and BDSM, and are in commonplace usage across the SL BDSM community. So much so that at times, the underpinning meanings become blurred or lost.

There is an old saying in rl D/s circles: “Every Master / Mistress is a Dominant, but not every Dominant is a Master / Mistress” – and this is true of SL as well, where we can all too often be caught up with the whole idea of titles and suchlike. What also tends to be forgotten – or what we fail to realise – is that Dominants also come in a variety of forms.

Now  before I find myself running for the hills ahead of an angry mob – let me expand on both of these points in reverse order.

Dominants come in a variety of forms.

We all enter D/s with different desires, hopes, wants, needs, fears and desires, whether “Dominant” or “submissive”. Obviously, just with any other aspect of life, these combine to form the kind of person we are within Second Life. And yet, when it comes down to it, very often, new or experienced, young or old (in SL terms) we very quickly ascribe one style of behaviour to a label, and one style of behaviour only. “Submissive” means one is expected (or one believes one must) behave in accordance with precepts A, B, and C; while “Dominant” means one is expected (or believes one must) behave in accordance with precepts X, Y and Z.

Again, understand here that I’m not in any way talking “limits” or the “character traits” that a “good” Dominant or submissive should aspire to. While the traits we should, in wither role, aspire to, remain constant, the degree to which we’re able to commit to them is clearly impacted by these more personal constraints.

In terms of D/s relationships, and for want of better terms, Dominants could be sub-divided into three groupings: those who are lightly Dominant, those moderately Dominant, and those who are heavily Dominant.

The “light” Dominant can be described as having a very limited desire to engage in a significant D/s relationship; this can be for many reasons, both looping back to their attraction to SL to such impacts as their real life circumstances (as one example of this, the Dominant may be in a deep rl relationship, and views SL as a means for release of D/s desires, but has no wish to engage in a “lasting” relationship on-line, because of their rl commitment). Again, to be clear here, I’m not saying that the “light” Dominant is less able or skilled as another Dominant – they can be equally skilled; rather I’m referring to the depth to which the person is willing to plunge in terms of relationships.

The “moderate” Dominant is the person who is more committed to a relationship than perhaps the “light” Dominant is. They are also frequently those more disposed towards control through a blending of thought and accentuating “traditional” discipline types. It’s probably fair to say that the moderate Dominant is perhaps the more common “type” of Dominant, and may well be frequently be characterised by a wish to involve their submissive in a broad spectrum of activities and encourage the submissive to share in some decision-making choices – or even play a more pro-active role in the relationship.

I would describe the “heavy” Dominant as being the person who has a very strong desire to live “24/7″ in a D/s style / relationship. In rl, this person is mostly to be a Dominant well versed and familiar with community life, and will have experienced a wide range of D/s events and activities; they may even have spent time as a submissive themselves; and they can be both more tolerant and far more strict than moderate Dominants. They are perhaps the ones in whom concepts such as RACK and SSC are most deeply inscribed. Within SL, it is probably fair to say that the “heavy” Dominant comes in world with a solid background in, and exposure to, D/s. They tend to be a lot stricter in-world than others, and anticipate set modes of behaviour and tend towards strong rules and firm control.

Now, it is patiently obvious to anyone reading this, that much of what I’ve said in terms of “types” of Dominant can equally be applied to submissives – that they (with somewhat different definitions, obviously!) can be described as “light”, “moderate” or “heavy”. So why write about this in the first place.

Well, because for any D/s relationship to flourish, as well as each side demonstrating the traits I’ve previously defined as prerequisites for a “good Dominant” or a “good submissive”, each side needs to be able to recognise whom they are dealing with. If a submissive is looking for someone who will nurture them, helping them to grow in their role, share SL life and times with them – then it is fair to say, engaging with a “light” Dominant could well lead to heartache; they’ve be much better off with a “moderate” or even “heavy” Dominant.

Similarly, the submissive seeking a committed, long-term relationship wherein they surrender absolute control to a Dominant, their wish being that they willingly accede to all orders, commands and wants of their Dominant and place their full trust in their Dominant to reciprocate and care for all of their wants and needs – is probably going to find the “moderate” Dominant to be attractive; at least for a time. However, truth be told, they are probably going to be better off with a “heavy” Dominant. Unless, of course, the “moderate” grows with them…

This is one of the reasons I do try to encourage those new to SL BDSM to take their time. It is easy to get carried along by the onward rush of emotions the accompany any new relationship – only to be left high and dry when it is realised that there is a huge gap between expectations and reality. And again, while I refer to Dominants in this post, again – the “types” can apply equally to submissives: I examine the Dominant role for two reasons: 1) “I are one”, as the saying goes (at least in SL), and 2) there are a lot more submissives around SL than Dominants, so the post *may* be more pertinent when directed in this manner.

And again, please don’t take these definitions as absolutes: as human beings we are inclined towards changes of view and desire, and so people can – and indeed do – progress “through the ranks”, so to speak as their comfort levels within both SL and the community grows, and as they get to meet a wider circle of friends and acquaintances. And just like rl, we can ebb and flow between “types” according to external pressures, needs, and so on.

If I step aside to look at myself, for example, I’d place myself by-and-large in the “moderate Dominant” type – but elements of my behaviour can, and do, border on the “heavy” side of things – partially because there are sterner aspects of my personality that emerge from time-to-time, but (and this is equally important) because those who are the most important to me in terms of submission desire to have a stricter, more direct, hand guiding their SL life – and I enjoy fulfilling that desire for them.

So one might say the watchword here is to be aware of what is going on around you and the people you’re interacting with – be aware of the types of roles evidenced – but don’t completely typecast people by their initial behaviour. It takes time to understand and appreciate who and what they are.

Not all Dominants are a “Master” or “Mistress”

In rl D/s circles, the tiles of “Master” or “Mistress” are generally not adopted by Dominants for themselves; they are more correctly bestowed by the community in which they operate in a ceremonial way, and in recognition of their standing within that community, and of their ability and experience with submissives. It is considered to be a high honour to be given such a title by one’s peers, and is a measure of overall respect. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that someone who is not so bestowed is “not a Dominant” – far from it. As noted, the title is awarded in recognition of one’s abilities as a Dominant – so while a “Master” or “Mistress” may well receive greater respect and time from others, this does not in any way demean the abilities of those not so titled.

In online communities – including Second Life – the lines are more blurred. Leaving aside the hoary old truism that “anyone can take the title of ‘Master’ or ‘Mistress’” – which while undoubtedly true, has been dealt upon elsewhere at length; there is also the misconception that one cannot “be” Dominant without the title. At the end of the day, titles are just that: titles. While they can be an indication of a person’s abilities and capabilities, they should in no way be used as a determining point as to who or what a person is from the outset. To again use a cliché, actions speak louder than words – and a person sans title or tag can frequently be as Dominant as one who carries a title by way of part of their name or as a Group title.

That said, there can be times when a Group tag can be a clear indicator of someone’s abilities in SL, especially in Groups where titles are controlled and awarded responsibly. In this regard I’ll break with my usual policy of not mentioning specific in-world examples by citing one Group that is particularly good in this regard: that of Estate Obscure.

Within this group, we see something of a rl approach to community-based D/s. No-one is awarded a title on the basis of their preference. Those entering the community – whether they consider themselves Dominant or submissive – are evaluated over time. The title they are eventually awarded is on the basis of their behaviour and in recognition of their abilities. This very much helps those within the Group better understand those around them, and acts a good springboard for deeper and more lasting relationships to be forged. And it also demonstrates again that someone carrying the title “Dominant” is not by any means any less able than those who carry the title “Mistress” or “Master”.

Joning a Group such as Estate Obscure – which also has a first-rate sim in-world – can be an abolsute boon to those entering the worlds of D/s and BDSM through SL. Not only will doing so demonstrate much of what I’ve discussed here – it’ll also help give people new to the environment a solid foundation upon which they can build their understanding, knowledge and experience.

Congratulations

Ollalla and Marine exchanging vows

Today, two of the people I’ve known about the longest in SL formally partnered.

Ollalla Sugarbeet and Marine Kelley have been close to one another for a very long time – so much so that when I heard news of their impending SL nuptuals, my response was “Congratulations – and about bloody time too!”

Marine’s name is not unknown in the world of SL BDSM. As the creator of Real Restraints, she brought a new level of “reality” to D/s and BDSM role-play in Second Life – and did so again with her development of the Restrained Life Viewer extension. Together, her crafted restraints and the RLV has become defining standards in SL. What is not so widely known  – largely because she is too modest to admit it – is that Marine is one of the most caring, sensitive and giving individuals in SL.

Before the ceremony

And in this respect, Ollalla – Olla to some, Sugar to others – is the perfect match for Marine. I’ve honestly never encountered two bigger and warmer hearts in SL, or two people more loving and caring of both each other and their friends.

It was Ollalla who introduced me to Marine back in 06, just before the first RR Police Handcuffs hit the market. Marine was testing the struggle system at the time, if I remember aright, and it was clear even then that she’d developed something very special; although I doubt anyone – least of all Marine herself – would have guessed how popular her products were destined to become.

Ollalla herself has not been idle in SL – she is founder of the SLBI, she has helped others, she’s and established  and skilled rp-er; in many ways she’s been a close part of the RR / RLV evolution. She and Marine have moved far and wide across SL, but always in orbit around one another.

Amethyst Rosencrans presides over the ceremony

Simply put: they’ve always belonged together.

The ceremony itself, presided over by Amethyst Rosencrans was beautiful in both its simplicity and meaning. Marine and Olla looked totally stunning, and their exhange of vows was hauntingly simple and direct.

Dressed in white, the couple proceeded down the aisle together to stand before Amethyst, who lead them through the formalities before they exchanged vows – and then quite possibly one of the longest kisses in the history of SL!

While I couldn’t stay for the reception (dratted rl!), it was an honour and a pleasure to witness this union of two people I’ve known for so very long (and without managing to get under their feet!), and once again, I have to say, “Congratulations!” to both Marine and Olla, and wish them every happiness!

Ollalla resplendent!

Radiant Marine!

I-Squared Updates

Two updates to the i-Squared range:

The first is an update to the ever-popular BDSM skyphere. While retaining all the features of the original, this now includes the option to change the interior appearance of each of the four levels indvidually, from a revised list of eight options.

For more information see the i-Squared BDSM Skysphere page.

The second item is the Resolution 32m diameter skysphere, which combines all the comforts of one of our skysphere homes  – living area, bedroom, rooftop garden and hot tub, with a “hidden” playroom area that includes RLV controllers, interior appearance options and the BDSM Skysphere’s fearsome Pit.

For more information, see the i-Squared Resolution Skysphere page.

Update

It’s been nigh-on 2 months since I’ve posted here, and I have no idea if people still take a look-see as to whether I’m wittering or not – so I’m posting this in the hope that my reader is still out there!

Part of the reason I’ve not posted is that this blog has largely been about general discussions on D/s & BDSM matters and SL rather than on personal bits and bobs – although I have shared personal news and the like at times – and for various reasons I’ve not had any major insights into SL D/s life or have been in a position to write anything remotely relevant.

Don’t get me wrong – a lot has been going on (some of which is also the reason I’ve been silent here). For better or for worse, I’ve been a little more caught up in SL and its politics as a whole, which have drawn me more towards posting over on my Modemworld blog. I’ve also been busy on a number of i-Squared projects.

Things have also altered directions at home as well. A member of my Family has departed, under fully amicable terms and for a range of reasons I’m not about to delve into here. We’re still in contact with one another and hopefully that will continue in the future. New friendships have formed and as ever in these situations, the dynamics are taking a while to settle down. Old friends have come back to SL, or are at least back in regular contact after circumstances lead to long breaks in communication and seeing one another.

So it’s been a busy time, with a few ups and downs. Some things are very much still in the melting pot. But at least I’m still here. Maybe splitting my general observations on SL off from my D/s writings was a mistake – had I known this side of things was going to experience a drought, I’d possibly not have done so (and probably still succeeded in driving off those of you kind enough to read this side anyway!).

I’m not sure when my D/s writing muse will return, but I promise to at least try and resume making the effort to post here!

Switch-over Today

Today is the day LL “throw the switch”, so to speak, on Adult Content – from today, all commercial / advertised content related to Adult Activities must either be located on the “Adult” continent of Zindra or on a private island sim which has had the Adult Content flag set.

Exactly how much confusion is likely to come out of this has yet to be seen – but my honest opinion is that, despite the wailing, gnashing of teeth and rending of garments by many in the BDSM community, there won’t actually be very much confusion at all and that life with more-or-less go on as normal.

I say this because, despite LL’s truly abysmal handling of the entire affair in terms of the lack of clear-cut announcements, bringing the changes to the attention of the community as a whole, the confusion evident within their own ranks (Cyn, Jack, Blondin all issuing contradictory statements at one time or another – or even at the same “press conference”), the unwillingness to engage more directly with those with genuine concerns (who admittedly had themselves to fight against a wealth of misinformation circulating within the BDSM community relating to things such as Age Verification, and who were frequently shouted down as a result)….the fact remains the those who will be most affected by the changes are now sufficiently aware of the changes – thanks to the BDSM commuity itself – that the “flicking of the switch” will barely affect them.

And that’s perhaps the saddest part of these changes: not so much that they had to be made (I’ve never actually had much against the changes in principle) but in the fact that despite the utter ham-fisted manner in which LL executed the entire “programme” the overall lack of confusion will cause those most responsible for the repeated blunders of communication, understanding and implementation within LL to give themselves a self congratulatory pat on the back and walk away in the mistaken belief that, despite all the naysayers, they clearly did “communicate” “clearly” and they obviously “listened” to the user community – and therefore see little reason to change how they “manage” such interactions in the future.

One thing I did find interesting in a quick-fire trip around Zindra some 24 hours before the switch-over was the large number of “Mature” rated sims their that were still attracting relatively new avatars (less than 3 months old) with NPIOF. Now, granted said avatars may have been age verified, but I do have my doubts as to whether they are – and the fact that they were happily enduring the already noticable lag on Zindra suggests that there will at least be some confusion after today, as people find their way barred to places they’d visited 24 hours before. Or maybe I’m doing them a disservice, and they’re aware of the changes and were making a quick “last visit” before the doors closed…

BDSM Skysphere

It’s no secret that I love to build in SL. However, I’ve never made anything beyond the Family collar for BDSM use. Until now.

This week, I’m pleased to announce my first i-Squared BDSM build: the BDSM Skysphere!

4 levels of play space enclosed in a black, relfective spheriod, completel with an RLV zone controller and a deep, dark RLV-restricted Pit in which to toss the naughtiest of subs!

You can find out more by visiting the i-Squared blog, or by hopping over the XStreet and looking up the item itself.