Anyone with a genuine interest in rel-life D/s and particularly BDSM play should understand the concept, importance and use of the safeword. As Mistress Catharine so succinctly puts it in her article, “Safewords are one way to ensure that bdsm play in consensual. That bdsm is consensual is the difference between a cock hardening play scene and a horrific real life rape, it is that simple“.
So far so good; even for those not familiar with the use of safewords, a rapid scan of BDSM resources on the web should bring home the validity of using such a device in order for BDSM play to remain within the realms of SCC and RACK.
But…what about online play, particularly as exemplified by Second Life? Surely safewords here don’t carry the same importance? After all, it’s not like anyone is really being harmed, is it? We’re dealing with pixels and images and if people want to break out of things they can just say, can’t they – or they can simply log out or say in IM that they’ve had enough, can’t they?
As far as I’m concerned the answer to these questions is largely in the negative.
Let’s take the first issue: that we’re dealing with pixels and images, and thus no-one is “really” being harmed. While this is true in the visualisation of the scene, emotionally the reality may be very different. As the old cliche goes: behind every packet of pixels is a human mind, a human imagination and a person, with all their foibles, failings and worries. We all come to SL for different reasons. Many within SL D/s & BDSM have real-life experience; many do not and are simply curious. In either case, they undoubtedly have limits, taboos, fears, etc., which can essentially be regarded as limits that should not be blindly crossed. Pushed and stretched, perhaps, yes. But not ignored and smashed through.
And for all its fabulous imagery and capabilities, SL makes it harder on the Dominant to know precisely what the submissive is experiencing, simply because there are no visual clues. Avatars are puppets. In rl BDSM, the schooled and skilled Dominant will be aware that the submissive under their control is potentially reaching a “hard” limit through body language, facial expression, etc., even before the safeword is uttered (which, as a total aside, doesn’t invalidate in any way the need for a safeword in the first place). In SL we just don’t have this.
Thus, the use of a safeword is as valid here as in rl – it may be the first indication that the submissive is in emotional distress.
While it is true that SL offers mechanisms to stop BDSM play without the “artificial” construct of a safeword (we can go to IM and simply say, “I’m sorry, this isn’t working for me, please stop” or use the familiar Out-of-Character (OCC) double parentheses (as is “((sorry, this isn’t working for me, please stop))”) to achieve the same goal – the fact is that such a course of action is not one every submissive wishes to take because it is so final. Not just for the scene in question, but for the entire mood that has (hopefully and positively) been created in the submissive’s mind.
SL is a playground of the mind, the very nature of SL BDSM interaction means that a submissive can, knowingly or otherwise, enter subspace so much more readily than might be the case in a physical, rl scene. As such, stepping right out of character to stop the scene can shatter the subspace the submissive has entered into and leaving them feeling drained, hurt, confused….empty.
The use of a safeword, therefore, can be doubly beneficial in this regard.
First and foremost, it gives the intended signal that the scene has gone beyond the submissive’s ability to handle and must be stopped immediately.
Secondly, it indicates to the Dominant that while the submissive has reached their limit, they do not “simply” want the scene ended without further interaction; rather, they’d like the option to discuss what happened, where limits were reached, whether the call was because things were progressing faster than the submissive could assimilate, rather than a hard limit being reached (in which case it may be entirely possible the submissive might be willing to re-try the scene at another time rather than it being simply verboten, in much the same way as rl scenes may be re-tried with the sub’s willing agreement and possibly aided by the employment of a slowword).
Without visual cues, a raw “stop now!” or similar in IM or OOC doesn’t give the Dominant any indication as to what has happened and what is required. Worse, it can lead to confusion: has the submissive ended the scene because they are in emotional distress? Do they have a rl situation that has crashed them out of subspace without any reflection on the Dominant themselves? Have they stopped it simply because they are bored? So the Dominant is left hanging, unsure as to what has happened, what they should do or what the submissive is liable to do on being released. Confusion and uncertainty result, with the risk of more misunderstandings just around the corner.
There is another reason for using a simple, straightforward safeword within SL. It’s called “the Restrained Life Viewer” (rlv).
The feeling of helplessness can be overpowering. Being unable to talk in chat or move can be quite a mental aphrodisiac. However, go too deep with rlv, and not only is chat reduced to “…”, but IMs can be totally blocked and emotes sharply curtailed. In these circumstances, the safeword – a single, easily-identifiable word that can be clearly emoted (“/me RED”) is perhaps the only means of conveying the need to end the scene without either teleporting away (if possible given you’re under rlv) or logging out.
Of course, there are inevitably times when the safeword is not enough; not everyone who wears the title Dominant is necessarily so. In these instances the only way to stop a scene is to demand a clear and unequivocal halt to proceedings. Providing the safeword was agreed upon prior to the start of the scene, there is simply no justifiable reason for a caring Dominant to ignore a safeword when called. But hopefully, these times will be few and far between.
And similarly, it is fair to say that not everyone wishes to use or hear a safeword, even given the above. They would much rather give / see an IM or OOC message. And there is nothing wrong with this, provided such is clearly understand by both parties, particularly when they have just met and are engaging in a scene for perhaps the first time or have no formal relationship as a couple or as friends.
But these two points aside, potentially the best way to avoid misunderstandings and upsets is through the most tried and trusted means of consensual and safe BDSM: the discussion, and agreement to the use, of a clearly-communicated safeword that can be given via IM, OOC or – where heavy use of rlv is being made – emotes.
